I’m writing to you because, much like Trump appears to be in this blog’s main photo, I’m unsure of pretty much everything. What will happen now that Trump is president? What the hell is he doing in office? Has this ever happened before? Honestly, WTF. Now, I’m not so concerned about my own life. I’m thinking that won’t be affected too much, I won’t notice, and/or I’ve got my own problems and I’m not thinking Trump can help or hurt. But I’m concerned about the world. I’m concerned about the U.S. I’m concerned about other countries and their people. I’m subsequently concerned about anything anyone is concerned about. So, diary, yeah, that’s you, I just want you to know that, if I can do it, I’ll be writing about what Trump does. Maybe not everything, maybe not a lot. But hopefully a fair amount. I have trouble writing my thoughts. I have trouble speaking my mind, but less so than when I was younger. In fact, I was always concerned that someone would attack me, and since this started when I was so young, I’m not sure whether it’s learned behavior. However, I have a very hard time speaking my mind. I’m quite paralyzed by it. I’m even concerned whether someone will say I should have said paralysed or paralyzed. Ya know, the different spelling. However, I’ll do my best, and if I’m not writing sometimes, it’s likely because I’m just too scared. Mostly, it’s that. Sometimes it’s time, but usually fear.
I need to write about Trump because, when there’s no way to get him out of office, I think some people, myself included, start to rationalize, accept, go through the five stages of grief, etc, and they slowly start to look on the bright side. THAT CAN’T HAPPEN. We need to remember the bad things that Trump is doing. I need to know what’s going on. Otherwise, in four years (a long time from now), we’ll be looking for anyone better than Trump. That’s anyone, literally ANYONE. Looking around my room, I see, well, actually I see some guy on a stamp on an envelope someone sent me with a check in it, and I think that guy could be better than Trump. Also, what else do I see, a pair of jeans, a Disney Monopoly game, a tote bag, a sock, a Victoria’s Secret bag….I could go on, but all these people or things would be a better president than is Trump. Yet, much like the rationalization that South Koreans go through in their minds when living in a country with nukes that could reach their cerebral cortex in 30 seconds from North Korea and thus they have to stop fearing because it’s psychologically impossible to have that fear and continue living there day in and day out, I will probably rationalize that life will be okay with Trump in office. AGHHHHHH! And it’s already starting. I looked at the Carrier deal. Fuck, it’s okay, not the best, it’s this, it’s that. I’m okay with part of it, etc. I don’t know all the details, and I’m not sure, in this era, if we’ll ever get all the details, but the most important part is that I saw something that might be at least a little good and I was like “eh, alright, well, ya know, that’s good, I suppose,” reluctantly thinking that maybe Trump’s okay. FUCK! Honestly, the call with Taiwan is good. However, that’s the problem. I’ll see things like that and ignore other things. I mean, what happens in a few years if I think, well, we’re all fucked, but I’m a white male born in America so, eh. EH?! Is that really how I’ll respond? I hope not! But that’s rationalization. That’s how I’ve coped with so much. Dismissing something as not a big deal because I think I can’t fix it. I mean, I’ve grown up with so much that I just “eh” to most things. So, I’ve gotten better, but what happens here if Trump does something that I can’t change and outrage turns to exhaustion and them despondence and then depression and then the need to be happy about something and so then dismissiveness, ‘bright side’ thinking and everything “eh.” Whether that’s the plan or not, it could happen, and maybe to many people.
So, in closing, as you can see, this is my own words, and I’m writing somewhat how I talk and/or think, and I’m not focusing on grammar or the “right” words because that opens the door to self-criticism, which opens the door to permitting criticism from others to hurt me, and I don’t want to do that. It’ll paralyze me, and so I won’t write. But this is me. This is me writing about something. It’s terrifying, and I’m trying to do it.
I’ll try to treat this as a pros and cons list of sorts. In that, I mean that there will be something good about Trump. The Taiwan call. But I want to see if some cons today look an awful lot like pros a few years from now. If that’s the case, I’ve forgotten how good things could be if he weren’t around. If that pumpkin squash lookalike would have just stayed away, things would be going down a better path these days, and I need to remember that. Rather than decide that the country is gone. If I have to write to do that, I guess that’s it. So, I just wanna keep myself in check. There’ll be different things you can click on and possibly a signal that shows whether something is a pro or con. Certainly, there will be mention of whether a particular instance is a pro or con in the content of a diary entry, but there may even be a graphic or something. I don’t know.
I guess I write a lot, but I just want to make sure that the cons of today aren’t the pros of tomorrow simply because Hillary is no longer and option, the election is over, and we all stop being so sad and start accepting Trump and thinking ‘well, maybe he’s okay’ and ‘that EPA bullshit wasn’t the worst’ and ‘Aleppo? He destroyed it and killed countless lives from multiple countries, but wasn’t there a candidate that didn’t even know what Aleppo was? I guess it could be worse.’ I don’t want to think that way, but if I’m so sad about Trump, I might because I just don’t want to live an unhappy life. It’s no way to live, and it’s certainly not beneficial to other parts of my life.
So, I’ll try to keep myself in check, remembering what could have been, making sure that the cons of today don’t become the pros of tomorrow.